Us Weekly Mad Musing

What the %*$@!?! Heidi Montag is on yet another cover of Us
Weekly?! ...And just weeks after being on the May 7th cover!? And just months after being on at least four other covers that have made us want to scream, "who cares??" Have the people at Us Weekly lost their minds (and their pull)? While People Magazine snaggs photos of Ashlee Simpson's and Mariah Carey's weddings, all Us Weekly can give its readers is Heidi Montag in a fake wedding veil?! You've gotta be kidding me!

For this, I have downgraded my "Weekly Us Weekly Musings" posts to just an ordinary, random, once-in-a-while "Us Weekly Musing" that I will post only when Us Weekly deserves mention. I am very disappointed in you, Us Weekly! Baah! I will have to think twice before renewing my subscription.

Weekly Us Weekly Musings

So, yes, I've skipped a few Us Weeklys here and there (don't sue me). I'll try my best to keep up, but no promises. This week's Us Weekly begs the question: Will any man ever be able to stand Jessica Simpson? It also presents as fact, the unconfirmed rumor (or so I thought to be unconfirmed) that Ashlee Simpson is, indeed, pregnant.

So, according to UW, Jessica Simpson is distraught that her ex, John Mayer, has found happiness with someone else (Jennifer Aniston) so soon (a year) after their breakup. Meanwhile, Jessica has been referring to her boyfriend of a half year or so, Tony Romo, as her future husband, though rumors are now swirling about a possible break-up...adding to her despair. Jessica is especially upset that John Mayer seems to be so much more into Jennifer Aniston than he ever was into Jessica (who even became artsy and brunette to please him while they were together -- hmm...shocker that this didn't work).

And so, this proves that Jessica should have stayed with Nick, the only man who could stand her for longer than a year (no offense, Jess -- I personally loved you on Newlyweds, but I gotta tell it like it is). I truly hope that Jessica can find lasting love, but as the days pass and she grows older and adds more notches to her bedpost (a far cry from her virgin until marriage act of days past), she grows less and less appealing. Sorry, Joe Simpson. But at least it seems you'll be granddaddy soon!

Weekly Us Weekly Musings

So this week's Us Weekly cover celebrates the birthdays of Shiloh and Suri, those adorable celebri-tot clones of their famous parents. Though I expected that Angelina Jolie (or her direct offspring) would make the cover soon, simply because she hadn't been on the cover for quite some time now, I was surprised that Jordin Sparks didn't make it onto the cover this week...or anyone interesting for that matter.

After all, Jordin's reps just announced last week that she was struck with an acute vocal cord hemorrhage, forcing her to cancel tour dates and rest her voice. This is the kind of stuff that ends singing careers, and this case is especially heartbreaking because Jordin is only 18 years old and worked so hard to win American Idol. Now, just as her career began taking off with the single "No Air," it's unclear what will happen to Jordin's career. I hope she recovers, and I predict that next week's Us Weekly will turn to the allegedly pregnant Ashlee Simpson or back to the usual go-to girl, Britney Spears. Happy Birthday, Shiloh and Suri, but come on, Us Weekly -- can we get some real stories next week?

Weekly Us Weekly Musings

So I missed a weekly Us Weekly post that would have been about the Beyonce-Jay-Z wedding cover story. Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Z, but we have to keep moving forward with the most recent Us Weekly, instead of getting caught up in what's old news at this point. This week, Mariah Carey graced the cover. The story is, of course, focused on Mariah's having lost 20 pounds, just in time for a new CD release, and right after Mariah's appearance on Oprah. Now here's the thing -- one of Mariah's Oprah segments was of Mariah in her NYC apartment, doing exercises in an in-door swimming pool. So I got to thinking: how many NYC residences have in-door swimming pools anyway? Am I just not with the program, or is it somewhat of a rarity? So, for a day, I was convinced, that Mariah must live in the Time-Warner Building, just a few blocks away from me. After all, the big selling point you always hear about with the Time-Warner penthouses are their swimming pools. And where else would you get an in-door pool in New York anyway? Well, today I googled it, and guess what, like every other celebrity in New York, Mariah lives in Tribeca. Yes, she has a three-story loft that, apparently, contains a swimming pool. Alas, Mariah Carey isn't my neighbor, in-door pools are seemingly not that hard to come by, and I obviously have to hang out in Tribeca more often if I'm ever going to spot a celebrity.

Weekly Us Weekly Musings

I've decided that every week I will have a post about a cover story in the latest Us Weekly.

Luckily, the stork brought my Us Weekly to me on Thursday instead of Friday this week -- giving me an extra whole day to read before I muse. And even better, this week Heidi Montag was finally not on the cover (whew) ...giving me a full good three stories to choose from. So, I decided to write about two (two!) stories at once!

First, Us Weekly sources say that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are close to tying the knot. Even Ryan Phillippe has given his blessing (as if!). Good for Reese and Jake! I think they're very cute together, and Jake seems to be such a nicer guy than Ryan (who still hasn't denied the cheating rumors, even when asked about it on the Howard Stern Show). And because Jake's career is so much more successful than Ryan's, I think there will be less conflict in this relationship. I see a cover story about a wedding coming soon.

And shocker, shocker, in our second cover story, Kevin Federline is thinking of reuniting with Britney Spears. Thing is, now that he realizes why she's crazy (bipolar disorder), he thinks it can work. Granted, now that she's medicated, I hope they can figure something out, for the sake of those boys and for Britney's sake. But of all the Hollywood relationships out there, I just don't see this one lasting. You see, it's a simple law of physics: trailer trash + trailer trash = divorce. And even when money is thrown into the equation, the values simply don't change.